home for the weekend.

It's March 3, 2012 and I am in Central for the first time since the end of January.  I can remember when one month away from home seemed like an eternity. and unbearable.  Boy, has that changed. I also use to  not be able to bare the idea of sitting at home alone for an entire weekend. To me that was torture. But now I couldn't be more content in doing it.  I enjoy every second I get to spend with my family and the chance to get away in the peace and quietness of my bedroom and just enjoy the alone time with my Creator. Though it's merely the beginning of 2012 it's already been one of the most tremendous years of my life.  The reason for that is Christ alone.  I cannot give any other explanation; it is in Him, through Him, because of Him, and for Him. The journey from the beginning of my junior year until now just baffles me.  I cannot pinpoint when and where Christ started moving tremendously, but it's inevitable that He did.  My sophomore year at Louisiana College was full of living IN the world and satisfying my flesh.  I was under convictions and I would try to step away from the party scene and the people in it that I'd held on too so dearly, but I just couldn't let it go.  This mindset continued on into the summer approaching my junior year.  I had plans for my junior year to be wild.  It was going to be full of fun, satisfying myself, gaining favor from people I should've never desired favor from, and slapping God in the face. However, God had other plans (PRAISE HIM).  I'm utterly disgusted by the lack of respect I had for the Lord; now I look back and see how repulsive and selfish my ambitions were.  When I got back to LC in the fall, nothing went as planned.  Things with the guy I liked at the time ended up being a complete fail and never even began (PRAISE HIM).  The people I had conversed with over the summer acted like they didn't know me once we got back to school (PRAISE HIM). The party scene bored me and disgusted me and I was so discontent with where I was in life.  More than anything, I missed Jesus.  I missed the closeness I once shared with Him.  I missed being content and joyful in Him alone.  What had I done to myself?  I created all these idols and worshipped people, desiring their approval much more than the Father's approval.

I don't remember when it happened or where it happened, all I know is that the Lord pursued me. He fought hard for me.  I so often compared myself to Gomer in Hosea, a filthy prostitute so unworthy of love.  I felt dirty and ruined and because I couldn't love myself, how could I expect a Holy God to? I couldn't.  So I didn't.  But that didn't stop the Lord from fighting for me.  In the midst of depression, the Lord placed a beautiful group of Godly girls into my life. The Lord KNEW homecoming week was exactly what I needed to lift my spirits, and thus began the start of beautiful friendships.  At the time I had no idea the extent of it, or that God would use these people to help mold me and shape me into the woman He has planned for me to be. But the Lord in all of His goodness brought Laura Beth into my life and she invited me to Bible study.  As a result of Bible study, I started to see the girl I used to be in the hearts of the girls surrounding me.  I saw their love for Christ, their innocence, genuineness, and passion. I wanted that back.  Because of bible study I started distancing myself from certain people and situations that I knew where keeping me away from my First Love.  The beautiful part about it was I didn't have to endure much loneliness because God had already placed the friends He knew I needed in my life before I ever realized how much I needed them.

To make a ridiciously long story short, thanks to God's grace I was able to go to Passion 2012 with this group of friends.  At Passion the Lord strengthened these friendships and brought even closer bonds to Himself and others.  He placed a passion for Him in my heart.  He reminded me that I am clean.  He showed me what He sees when He looks at me.  He doesn't see a filthy sinner.  He sees His son.  He sees the blood that was shed for me instead of the disgust of who I am.  He has forgiven me,  now it's time to forgive myself.  This season is all a healing process, but it's been one of the best seasons of my life.  I see God's fingerprints in my life on a daily basis.  I long for Him.  I want to be near Him, I want to be His hands and His feet.  I want to be used for Him.  I want to pour out my life as a sacrifice for Him.  I want to be humbled, receiving no glory and receiving no satisfication in myself.  I want to be nameless, faceless.  I just want the GLORY OF GOD to be seen and I want Him to do whatever He has to do in my life in order for that to happen.  I will suffer.  I will make sacrifices.  I am willing to be lonely, broken, poor, or whatever it takes in order for Christ to be lifted high.  I know He's using me.  I know He's changing me.  I can feel Him moving in me and I'm overwhelmed by all I know He is going to do in the year of 2012.


 So thus begins the journey of denying myself daily and following after Him.

I seriously ended up writing NOTHING I planned on writing about.  This was not supposed to go where it did, but it happened. ha All i know is this: God picked me up out of a muddy, slimy pit, and set me on a mountain top. He never owed me that.  That was by His grace alone and it exemplifies His faithfulness to me in the times where I am most unfaithful.  He promised to bring good out of everything situation of those who love Him (romans 8:18) and He promises we can be confident that He WILL complete the work He began in us.  Thank You Jesus.

"I'm so unworthy, but still you love me. Forever my heart will sing of how great You are." -Phil Wickham